A New Heart

This verse was very timely yesterday ... It was a very long day. Another open to close, very tired from a sleepless night, had my kids on my mind constantly, 

Alone ...

2018 Mantra

This mantra for 2018 has taken on a whole new meaning over the past month...

Peace

Going in late to work today... could have worked another open to close, but I needed this morning to catch my breath.

And since the weather is nice, I’m able to sit out on my apartment balcony... drinking coffee and reading. Lots of reading... Psalm 51 (have been reading it daily since April 11... sometimes multiple times a day), Jesus Calling, Walking With God but John Eldredge. Also some journaling time ... something I’ve come to enjoy over the past couple months for the first time in my life.

My main word thought of the day ... Peace. I desire peace so deeply. And I now know I can receive that only one way. 

...peace that surpasses all understanding...

Long Day

Really struggling today... mostly because it’s ANOTHER day of working open to close; fourth one this week. I’m exhausted and have next to no energy for my last couple of hours here at work. But there isn’t much choice...

It’s been a long day emotionally, too ... it’s hard to explain, though. Simply... I should be in Nashville, TN right now enjoying the beautiful day and evening there before running a half marathon tomorrow morning. And then I should be enjoying more of Nashville’s music scene like I did last year.

But... I over the past couple of weeks, due to various circumstances, I decided not to go. But now ... I really regret it. Not sure how I would have done in the half marathon to be honest, but the time away would have been justbwhat I needed. 

However, I didn’t want it to be another trip like Vegas last November... even though I was glad I went, I was lonely. I don’t mind being alone, traveling alone, eating alone... but something about that trip was difficult. Mostly because everywhere I looked there were couples. And although I don’t think it would have been like Vegas, going alone just didn’t seem like what I needed. I’m alone enough, and not sharing that experience with someone else just... I don’t know... made me sad.

But... now I regret not going ... I just can’t win on my decisions. So’s life...

Peace

Read this in my devotional this morning ... really struck me... 

#1 the word peace ... something I’m striving for.

#2 the word disciple ... which means follower. Something else I’m striving for. 

I never thought about it until recently while reading a book by John Eldridge ... you can be a believer, but still not be a follower. For 52 years that’s been me. Again, as I stated in a previous post... I’ve not been able to completely surrender myself to Christ.

I want that peace that a disciple of Christ has... but I won’t know it until I totally surrender myself.

Fear Is A Liar

This is such a powerful song ... and it always plays at just the right time for me...

Fear Is A Liar

Psalm 51:8-11

I read Psalm 51 every morning ... verses 8-11 gets me choked up every time and I reread it several times. 

“Give me back my joy again...” 

Change is possible

Several months ago I told someone I love “I can’t change like you need me to change. I can’t be the man you need or want me to be.”

Those words have haunted me and kept me awake at night, kept me from staying focused at work, kept me from eating, kept me from smiling... those words halted my life completely.

Over the past few weeks I’ve realized... I cannot change me. But GOD can. 

I honestly don’t know what  “change” I understood this person I love wanted and needed from me several months ago, but I’m certain it wasn’t what she really wanted and needed. What she wanted, needed, and prayed for... not just several months ago... not a year ago... not a couple years ago... but starting years ago... was for me to surrender myself to God.

Below is a recent text conversation with a friend that started with a very pointed question out of the blue one morning...

“What do you think you need right now spiritually?” 

“I've typed several things here, and keep deleting them. Grace, forgiveness, joy, blinders, … “

(After a pause in time)

“Surrender … I have to learn how to truly surrender to God. I have to surrender myself to God to find me… and I've always fought it. Especially the last 3-4 years.”

“That's what (the person I love) really ever prayed for me to do… surrender myself to God. But I couldn't/wouldn't.”

“That makes sense. Read David's Psalm of repentance,  Ps. 51 and you'll see that is what is required. We have to be broken, to surrender. Nothing else matters until that happens. If you want to learn how to pray pray Ps. 51 every day for the next month.”

I’ve kept with it ... everyday I read Psalm 51 ... sometimes multiple times. I’m not getting tired of it ... it’s always refreshing, but also always convicting.

I cannot change me ... God can and will change me. But I have to surrender to him for that change to happen.

I’m Back ...

It’s been over 3-1/2 years since I’ve posted to this blog … a lot has happened since that time, most of which I’d rather not talk about and won’t talk about.

It’s time for me to get back to regular postings... I’m in a battle, a war so to speak. I have been for some time, but refused to see it, until the past couple of months... more specifically the past month.

I’ve never really understood “spiritual warfare” … I’m not sure I ever believed there really was such a thing. I’ve read about it and heard about ... but I never realized I was experiencing it ... and losing. I couldn’t tell you how long I’ve been experiencing it... for years I guess. But over the past couple of years it completely overtook me ... destroying my life as I knew it. 

But... now it’s time to start share the rebounding fight to overcome that destruction of my life ... with the help of Jesus Christ. It’s not easy, but I will overcome and be victorious. There are still bad days, sleepless nights, backstepping... but... I will be victorious and change (more on that word n my next post).

Leg Update - Next Up: MRI

Went to see an orthopedic surgeon today about my leg... He agreed that the x-ray didn't show anything, but he was't surprised. He was puzzled by the location of my soreness and that I didn't have a fall, twist, or sprain of the leg/ankle. And then... he started feeling around on my leg... Yeah, it hurt and my reaction made him jump, too. Let's just say he was a little surprised by how sharp the pain was with the touch he gave. I guess I should have warned him how sore it really was, especially to the touch.

So, immediately after that he quickly said, "Well, I think we'll order an MRI."

Follow up appointment already scheduled for next week, MRI will be scheduled tomorrow (after insurance approves, of course). In the mean time... continue icing three times a day and take ibuprofen.

I'm definitely going to work tomorrow (Friday)... can't stay home another day. Not that I'm necessarily bouncing off the walls or anything, but I start to get anxiety and really blah. That's just me... nothing is necessarily wrong, I just get that way.

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Leo Buscaglia Quote (love this)

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