A New Heart

This verse was very timely yesterday ... It was a very long day. Another open to close, very tired from a sleepless night, had my kids on my mind constantly, 

Alone ...

2018 Mantra

This mantra for 2018 has taken on a whole new meaning over the past month...

Peace

Going in late to work today... could have worked another open to close, but I needed this morning to catch my breath.

And since the weather is nice, I’m able to sit out on my apartment balcony... drinking coffee and reading. Lots of reading... Psalm 51 (have been reading it daily since April 11... sometimes multiple times a day), Jesus Calling, Walking With God but John Eldredge. Also some journaling time ... something I’ve come to enjoy over the past couple months for the first time in my life.

My main word thought of the day ... Peace. I desire peace so deeply. And I now know I can receive that only one way. 

...peace that surpasses all understanding...

Long Day

Really struggling today... mostly because it’s ANOTHER day of working open to close; fourth one this week. I’m exhausted and have next to no energy for my last couple of hours here at work. But there isn’t much choice...

It’s been a long day emotionally, too ... it’s hard to explain, though. Simply... I should be in Nashville, TN right now enjoying the beautiful day and evening there before running a half marathon tomorrow morning. And then I should be enjoying more of Nashville’s music scene like I did last year.

But... I over the past couple of weeks, due to various circumstances, I decided not to go. But now ... I really regret it. Not sure how I would have done in the half marathon to be honest, but the time away would have been justbwhat I needed. 

However, I didn’t want it to be another trip like Vegas last November... even though I was glad I went, I was lonely. I don’t mind being alone, traveling alone, eating alone... but something about that trip was difficult. Mostly because everywhere I looked there were couples. And although I don’t think it would have been like Vegas, going alone just didn’t seem like what I needed. I’m alone enough, and not sharing that experience with someone else just... I don’t know... made me sad.

But... now I regret not going ... I just can’t win on my decisions. So’s life...

Peace

Read this in my devotional this morning ... really struck me... 

#1 the word peace ... something I’m striving for.

#2 the word disciple ... which means follower. Something else I’m striving for. 

I never thought about it until recently while reading a book by John Eldridge ... you can be a believer, but still not be a follower. For 52 years that’s been me. Again, as I stated in a previous post... I’ve not been able to completely surrender myself to Christ.

I want that peace that a disciple of Christ has... but I won’t know it until I totally surrender myself.

Fear Is A Liar

This is such a powerful song ... and it always plays at just the right time for me...

Fear Is A Liar

Psalm 51:8-11

I read Psalm 51 every morning ... verses 8-11 gets me choked up every time and I reread it several times. 

“Give me back my joy again...” 

Change is possible

Several months ago I told someone I love “I can’t change like you need me to change. I can’t be the man you need or want me to be.”

Those words have haunted me and kept me awake at night, kept me from staying focused at work, kept me from eating, kept me from smiling... those words halted my life completely.

Over the past few weeks I’ve realized... I cannot change me. But GOD can. 

I honestly don’t know what  “change” I understood this person I love wanted and needed from me several months ago, but I’m certain it wasn’t what she really wanted and needed. What she wanted, needed, and prayed for... not just several months ago... not a year ago... not a couple years ago... but starting years ago... was for me to surrender myself to God.

Below is a recent text conversation with a friend that started with a very pointed question out of the blue one morning...

“What do you think you need right now spiritually?” 

“I've typed several things here, and keep deleting them. Grace, forgiveness, joy, blinders, … “

(After a pause in time)

“Surrender … I have to learn how to truly surrender to God. I have to surrender myself to God to find me… and I've always fought it. Especially the last 3-4 years.”

“That's what (the person I love) really ever prayed for me to do… surrender myself to God. But I couldn't/wouldn't.”

“That makes sense. Read David's Psalm of repentance,  Ps. 51 and you'll see that is what is required. We have to be broken, to surrender. Nothing else matters until that happens. If you want to learn how to pray pray Ps. 51 every day for the next month.”

I’ve kept with it ... everyday I read Psalm 51 ... sometimes multiple times. I’m not getting tired of it ... it’s always refreshing, but also always convicting.

I cannot change me ... God can and will change me. But I have to surrender to him for that change to happen.

I’m Back ...

It’s been over 3-1/2 years since I’ve posted to this blog … a lot has happened since that time, most of which I’d rather not talk about and won’t talk about.

It’s time for me to get back to regular postings... I’m in a battle, a war so to speak. I have been for some time, but refused to see it, until the past couple of months... more specifically the past month.

I’ve never really understood “spiritual warfare” … I’m not sure I ever believed there really was such a thing. I’ve read about it and heard about ... but I never realized I was experiencing it ... and losing. I couldn’t tell you how long I’ve been experiencing it... for years I guess. But over the past couple of years it completely overtook me ... destroying my life as I knew it. 

But... now it’s time to start share the rebounding fight to overcome that destruction of my life ... with the help of Jesus Christ. It’s not easy, but I will overcome and be victorious. There are still bad days, sleepless nights, backstepping... but... I will be victorious and change (more on that word n my next post).

Leg Update - Next Up: MRI

Went to see an orthopedic surgeon today about my leg... He agreed that the x-ray didn't show anything, but he was't surprised. He was puzzled by the location of my soreness and that I didn't have a fall, twist, or sprain of the leg/ankle. And then... he started feeling around on my leg... Yeah, it hurt and my reaction made him jump, too. Let's just say he was a little surprised by how sharp the pain was with the touch he gave. I guess I should have warned him how sore it really was, especially to the touch.

So, immediately after that he quickly said, "Well, I think we'll order an MRI."

Follow up appointment already scheduled for next week, MRI will be scheduled tomorrow (after insurance approves, of course). In the mean time... continue icing three times a day and take ibuprofen.

I'm definitely going to work tomorrow (Friday)... can't stay home another day. Not that I'm necessarily bouncing off the walls or anything, but I start to get anxiety and really blah. That's just me... nothing is necessarily wrong, I just get that way.

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Leo Buscaglia Quote (love this)

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Hold The Training Please

It's not exactly what I had planned for my Sunday... sitting on the front porch with ice on my leg. Hobbling around cringing in pain with each step I take with my left foot.

Three weeks until my first half marathon, and now... questionable.

Brings back memories of what WAS to be my first half marathon two years ago... I had completed an 11-mile run on a Saturday (three-weeks before the event). On Sunday morning I could hardly walk due to hip flexor problems; severe pain from hip to hip, through my pelvis, and down into my thighs. I ended up out of running for about eight weeks.

This time... On Wednesday of this week, after a REALLY good 5k run, I noticed a slight twinge of pain on my lower left leg on the inside. I didn't think anything about it and it was gone not too long afterwards. I couldn't remember if I felt anything on Monday after a 5-mile run, but I'm thinking I did. On Thursday I ran another 5-miles and again felt a little twinge of pain during and after, but nothing to keep me from running and it was gone soon after my run. So again, I didn't think anything much about it. Saturday: 9-mile run planned. I started off and immediately felt the pain, but it was bearable. But, the further I ran the more sharp and intense the pain became... At 3.5-miles I decided I had to walk. I tried a couple more times to run but the pain was too much.

So the long walk home began... After 1.5-miles of walking I texted my wife to let her know where I was... she texted back "Do u need me to come get u." UGH!!! I wanted to say "NO - I HAVE TO WALK." But, sucking in my pride I responded with "Yeah I think I do."

I'm not sure which hurt worse at that moment... my leg or my heart.

I stood waiting for my wife to pick me up... other runners passing me by; unable to acknowledge them as I usually would because of my jealousy.

I'm assuming (self-diagnosis time) I have a severe case of shin splints... I can't ever remember having shin splints when I ran cross country or track, but I do remember others and the pain they would experience. However the location of the pain is low on my left leg and on the inside, right above my ankle... not really what I would consider my "shin."

So, until I can get in to see my doctor tomorrow I'm staying on my butt as much as possible, icing every once in awhile and taking ibuprofen every four hours.

One thing I have learned today: it's difficult to get from the kitchen to the front porch with a full cup of coffee (ok, probably shouldn't fill it to the rim) with a hobble without spilling. (Yes, Laurie, I cleaned it up)

And I leave you with the following:



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Dreamin'

Wrote down this thought earlier this week...






What are YOUR dreams?

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Change In Plans, So Let's Blog

The last few days I've had a deep desire to start blogging again... Ever since I started my job at FedEx Office in December 2012 I've let my blogging go by the wayside, which was a big mistake.

And since my day has been rearranged for me (can't get into explaining that on here)... I thought I'd take the time to get started again.

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Sitting on my front porch with my pooch... looking around at my zinnias in full bloom (bright and cheery pinks and oranges)... morning glory already wilting from the heat of the late morning sun... purple coneflowers on their last blooms of the summer... black-eyed susans brightly displaying themselves in the midst of green... banana plant leaves flapping in the breeze waving to passerby's... garlic chive flowers buzzing with hundreds of bees visiting them... garden phlox spent flowers dangling by a thread... lauren's grape poppy seed pods spreading their tiny goodness in the wind for 2015 delight... marooned colored coleus adding a wonderful richness next to pink dragon-wing begonias sharing space in a large copper pot I received from a customer in my gardening days... magnolia flower blooming on my elizabeth magnolia tree (yes... in September!!!)...

I don't miss my gardening business, but their have been a few days lately when I have. Would I consider going back to it again? Absolutely not!!! It was a wonderful experience and one I treasure. But... physically and financially I could not afford it.

Sadly, I realized the other day as I was leaving a restaurant, I am forgetting flower/plant names now... I stared at a plant as I walked to the car and could not remember it, and it really bothered me. But, as it is with anything... when you're not doing something on a regular basis, your mind starts to forget. So it is with gardening for me. It has officially become a hobby again.

New subject...

While I sit here I have to laugh at my eclectic taste in music. I'm currently listening to "Tropical Radio" on Pandora... which is basically very upbeat latino music. LOVE IT!!! I have no idea what they're singing about, but it's helping my mood, which was pretty stinky when I first sat down on my front porch (after coming back home from a short-stay at work). I might next listen to celtic music, 80's music, Frank Sinatra, Jack Johnson, Bob Marley, Indie Coffeehouse music, etc. If you asked me what my favorite style of music is I honestly CANNOT give you one. I love all types... although... I have to say country and rap are very low on my list; VERY low.

New subject...

Running has been going very well for me... I have to say I'm SO glad I got back into it a few years ago. I've been posting some of my best times and distances since my 20's, which was the last time I REALLY ran. And even then, I'm pretty sure I didn't enjoy it. But I honestly am ENJOYING running again. I'm noticing a difference physically and mentally, which is the whole reason I started again.

Although... today I could have REALLY used a run for my mental-state (again, after my short-stay at work this morning), but it's a scheduled no-run day and I'm running 9 miles again tomorrow, so... I'm blogging instead. Better than sitting on my butt with my eyes glued to Netflix.

New subject... (Yes this is how my brain tends to work most days anymore)

Speaking of the above parenthesed (I'm pretty sure that's not a word) statement, Anyone else feel sometimes that they have adult ADD? Seriously... I feel like for the last 2-3 years this has become more and more of a problem for me, but I haven't really put my finger on it until recently. Granted, I probably have always had a problem with focusing, being easily distracted, not able to complete things... But, I would never have really considered I had ADD. But... after reading about it and how in some people it can become an issue more in later life than when younger, I'm thinking hmmmmmmmmmm. I haven't talked to a doctor about it yet, so I do realize I'm self-diagnosing.

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And so comes the end of my shared thoughts for today. The dog needs a walk, and I need to get up off my butt. For my sanity, this will become a more regular thing for me again... And no, it won't usually be entries like this. Look back at my older posts. We'll see where this leads me, but hopefully it will help me sort out my thoughts a little more than I've been able to over the past few months.

Oh, and pictures... yes, I'll get back to sharing pictures again on here... flowers, family, portraits, this and that.


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A Rose

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Visit my blog at http://strouthion.blogspot.com

Gentle Reminder

Do you think this gentle reminder (image below) I sent to an employee tonight at work will encourage him to have his cash drawer more neat and organized for me to see in the morning?




I'm not sure if my easily frustrated condition is the result of my 12-years in banking and having my own knuckles smacked with a sharp-edged ruler when my own drawer was in shambles when I was a teller (I forgive you Teresa)... Or the bit of OCD in my blood... Or if I'm just feeling old and cranky.

But, really now... having to go into work at 6 a.m. (when you're not a morning a person anyway) and having to count down drawers that look like they've been played with by toddlers all night does not make for a good start of a day.

So, we'll see what happens... stay tuned

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Wonderful Weekend

Its been awhile since our family has gotten away for a weekend to relax and have fun. But, since August Laurie and I have had the first weekend of November planned as a family fun weekend in St. Louis.

If you know Laurie and I, you know we LOVE Chicago and it's usually our first choice for a get away. So why St. Louis? Well... Why not? We haven't really been there yet as a family, and there's always something interesting to discover in a city you haven't spent much time in before.

For Savannah and Laurie Saturday was well planned out... American Girl store at Chesterfield mall. For Andrew and I it was a little more unplanned... We decided on the City Museum and walking around some of the older downtown area. Here are a few quick images from our weekend...





























































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Thinking Time

The last few years I became accustomed to having Saturday mornings as "porch time" during the spring, summer and fall ... It could last for 30-minutes, 2-hours, or maybe 4-hours. But, a new job last December put a damper on my "porch time" and I try to fit it in elsewhere into my week whenever possible. Today is one of those days.

I'm sure I'll still find time for a Sunday afternoon nap, but today I desperately needed some porch time... My favorite Slacker Radio station playing (James Taylorish), enjoying my favorite drinks (coffee earlier, now ice water with a slice of lemon), reading materials, sunshine, and lots of thinking.

I try not to allow this time of thinking to be negative or self-destructing... But instead a time of reflecting, reviewing, revisiting, regenerating, reorganizing. Though, sometimes that can be difficult. Like many, I tend to see the bad, erring, confused, failure in myself much more clearly and quickly than anything positive. And today I'm fighting off some very negative demons.

I recently ran across these quotes... Each has touched my heart deeply as I've read them over and over:















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What's Blooming???

Here's a rundown of what's blooming in my gardens right now...






















































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