Those words have haunted me and kept me awake at night, kept me from staying focused at work, kept me from eating, kept me from smiling... those words halted my life completely.
Over the past few weeks I’ve realized... I cannot change me. But GOD can.
I honestly don’t know what “change” I understood this person I love wanted and needed from me several months ago, but I’m certain it wasn’t what she really wanted and needed. What she wanted, needed, and prayed for... not just several months ago... not a year ago... not a couple years ago... but starting years ago... was for me to surrender myself to God.
Below is a recent text conversation with a friend that started with a very pointed question out of the blue one morning...
“What do you think you need right now spiritually?”
“I've typed several things here, and keep deleting them. Grace, forgiveness, joy, blinders, … “
(After a pause in time)
“Surrender … I have to learn how to truly surrender to God. I have to surrender myself to God to find me… and I've always fought it. Especially the last 3-4 years.”
“That's what (the person I love) really ever prayed for me to do… surrender myself to God. But I couldn't/wouldn't.”
“That makes sense. Read David's Psalm of repentance, Ps. 51 and you'll see that is what is required. We have to be broken, to surrender. Nothing else matters until that happens. If you want to learn how to pray pray Ps. 51 every day for the next month.”
I’ve kept with it ... everyday I read Psalm 51 ... sometimes multiple times. I’m not getting tired of it ... it’s always refreshing, but also always convicting.
I cannot change me ... God can and will change me. But I have to surrender to him for that change to happen.
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